Wake up.

[Thursday. 24.02.11]

Why am I always so tired. I feel lazy. I woke up at 3:30 today and felt like I had been hit by a truck. My cats sick and I feel neglectful that i haven’t taken him to the vet. But I have no money and it means I wouldn’t eat for a week. Last time I took him it cost me $350 for a simple check up and vaccine injection. Am I a bad mother? Should I put him before myself?

I wish I had dreams, hopes, needs. All I have is work. I want to know what I want to be and I want to be sure. Maybe I should just give something a go? But, I don’t have money to waste on pointless things, or the time. I think that is my biggest enemy, time. Always holding me back, I either have too much and nothing to do, or not enough. 

I need motivation. I think that’s the hardest thing about living out of home. There’s no one there to give you that kick up the ass. I know deep down I’m not taking care of myself. As much as I try and convince myself that I am. I’ve stopped exercising and my meals are limited to one. I suppose it’s got a lot to do with the fact that I have had a week off work. A very lousy week at that. 

I’ve been over thinking things. Caring too much about little, pointless things. I’ve realized that I can only truly count on myself because in the end, that’s all I have, me. 

that’s all for now.

R 

x